Yes, what else but home?

[chanaleh]

Observation:
When I was a kid, I hated going home. Like, anytime we were out doing something for the evening, a movie or a school program or what have you. Come time to go home, I would always feel a slightly heartsick wish that there were *somewhere* else yet to go, *something* else to do. A second stop of, say, going out for ice cream was the sort of thing that addressed that desire. But even if we got to do that, the feeling would still be there when it was time to go home then.

Whereas when we were home of an evening, and not doing much of anything (and I didn't have, say, a fresh stack of library books handy), I would mope around and say to my mother, "Can't we go somewhere and do something?" "Where do you want to go?" was the usual, patently-rhetorical response; and since there was pretty much no answer I could articulate -- Somewhere, anywhere, more exciting than here -- I would go back to moping until I eventually found something to occupy myself with.

It wasn't that home was a bad place to be for any tangible reason; there just wasn't much that was satisfying about it, either. I longed for something more, and whatever it was, it wasn't in the house.

Some might say that I'm playing out that to this day.

Because, seriously, I am never home. (Just ask my parents.)
That is: I have my life so packed full of stuff to do, people to see, and places to be that I never "have" to be home unless I want to (in fact it usually takes concerted effort to schedule myself downtime at home). And I never have to be bored ever (in fact I often have a hard time mentally gearing down and relaxing, even when I want to).

And, I mean, on a conscious level I like being home now (in my adult life). I appreciate being home, I like building and maintaining and enjoying my home, I am happy to go home. Because I have in the meantime achieved control over my space, and control over my time, and... yeah. Life is as fulfilling as I could ever want it to be. But, it's interesting how I still seem to be running on that must-be-out-and-about dynamic.

I'd like to say more, and I'm sure that under other circumstances I'd have something really insightful to draw out of this line of inquiry; but I think my brain ran out of gas half an hour ago. Bedtime.

Comments

Bedtime.

[awhyzip.livejournal.com]

goodnight

[76trombones.livejournal.com]

I can relate. I've been getting much better recently, though. Yay! Bedtime for me too.

[navrins]

See, that's something I totally don't have. To be continued in my own journal.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

My pattern was very similar until recently... since I've been married, I'm home a lot more. :-)

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

I can completely relate to that. I'm so seldom home, and I can't commit to things like actually decorating my home or (*shudder*) consider buying a house. As a child the outside world was so much more interesting and had so much more potential. That feeling has carried over to adulthood.

[mabfan.livejournal.com]

You know, the opening of this post would make a great opening for a short story or a novel. I can see it going in all sorts of directions.

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

But, see, I actually consider myself somewhat of a homebody at heart, except for the part that I spend so much time everywhere else. ;-)

My place -- where I've lived for over 8 years now, mind you -- is quite cozily decorated and put together, and visitors often comment on what a nice space it is (on which I agree when it's not totally untended like it is at the moment). And the second fondest wish of my heart would be to buy a place of my own -- if I could settle on exactly where it should be (and what I could afford), but that's another story.

So it's a more complex issue for me in a way than this. Or then again, maybe that's the corollary: I'm still working to fill the void on *both* sides of the issue, the home front and the out-of-home front.

[moria923.livejournal.com]

Me, too. I'vbeen married almost ten years now, and ever since then, home is my favorite place to be. It's the place where I can just be with my books, music, and most important of all, my sweetie. But the sweetie is definitely what makes it feel like home to me.

I realate to what you said, Erica, about always wanting to be out as a girl. Going home meant an ending. Then, as an adult, I lived in a lot of places that didn't really feel like home. Now home is my favorite place in the universe (although I love to go out too). I intend to spend a lot of time here during my upcoming vacation.

[klingonlandlady.livejournal.com]

You've also mentioned that sense of persistent wistfulness waiting in the wings, usually played out over boys. That sounds like an echo of the "where I am right now doesn't support me enough emotionally- i wish i had more" feeling that it sounds like home caused.

I get that too.

[laurion]

I'd say welcome to the club, but I can see you've been here for a while now... *grin*

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Nicely said...