I Am Large, I Contain Multitudes

Huh. Interesting.

Yesterday morning, about 7 hours into the official span of NaNoWriMo, ergo obviously without yet having written a single word, I started noticing a flourishing backchannel of internal resistance.

( The voices are fascinating, aren't they? )

So, really, I don't know. I think the next step is going to be pulling out the notes I have made over the years for the aforementioned various concepts and see which already is the farthest along, and see if that helps jump-start my motivation.

My other pet approach is normally to post an LJ poll ("Which of the following should I write this month?") -- but somehow even the idea of spelling out my four different premises for public consumption feels risky, and not like it would be much help in the end. :-}

... tl;dr Fear is the mind-killer. *sigh*

After about 4 weeks, I basically ditched the Primal regime (LJ | DW) as of a week ago Sunday, making fantastic banana-cinnamon-walnut-flaxseed-chocolate-chip pancakes and sweet potato home fries for brunch, and ending later with a fantastic burger from the Harlem Tavern which was (if slow in coming) exactly what I wanted.

So now I've had about 10 days off, to compare with 4 weeks on.

Things I have noticed:

Groceries: Expenditures up about 50% from past few months' average, no joke. My previous set of normal cooking habits has been heavily based for years on BEANS AND GRAINS ALL THE TIME. Guess what? Fresh vegetables (especially nice salad greens), fish and meat, and organic eggs? Cost a lot more. At, like, Passover levels -- not by coincidence, of course, since Passover is also a meat-and-vegetable-heavy time period.

Conversely, my impulse spending on outside snack food (not proper meals out or actual groceries) went way way down, because guess what? 90% of grab-n-go food options are sugar- and starch-based crap. And I'm including pizza and burritos in that basket as well as pastries and Clif Mojo bars. Which brings me to...

Planning: Again, this approach requires Preparedness at near-Passover levels. I have never been so scrupulous about bringing exactly one day's worth of meals and snacks to work every single day (rather than keeping the usual stash of chocolate, nuts, and Luna bars in my desk). And I have a new appreciation for the convenience of pouring out a bowl of Cheerios every morning, or pulling a quart of homemade bean chili out of the freezer as food for the next few days. (I'm sure there are other food categories one could pre-make and freeze, but I haven't really gotten a handle on them.) It eventually occurred to me that I should maybe hard-boil some eggs as instant/travel food, but in all seriousness I got stumped on: how are you supposed to check them for blood spots? But anyway.

( More observations )

The major conclusion I draw from the experiment is that it is way easier to feel well fed on 1800-2000 calories/day if that intake comprises at least 75% proteins and fats and less than 25% carbs (or else, perhaps, when all of those carbs are green vegetables and a little fruit). In other words, perhaps what I really need is guidelines that ensure there is more FOOD in my food, and to acknowledge that the maple oatmeal scones of the world may certainly be Treats, but are not themselves to be confused with Food, even if they come out of the Food budget (in both a money and nutrient sense).

And it's easy to laze out and make suboptimal choices unless I have that "program" mentality actually reinforcing my commitment to the better choices.

So we'll see. For today, it's still back to lentil salad and quinoa pilaf for lunch. :-)

There's an ice cream truck that sporadically takes up residence down the block in the late afternoon. Mercifully, its beepy little tunes actually comprise quite a nice repertoire, ranging from "Für Elise" and "Greensleeves" to "Moon River" to "Morning Has Broken" and "The Sound of Silence"...

But last time I absoutely swear heard it playing "Dona Dona". A Jewish folk song about a calf being led to slaughter? Really? I mean, really?

Only in NYC, I guess.

( ... You guys, I'm actually starting to get a little bored here in week 3. )

On the plus side, today I went out and had a nice lunch date with justom's sister-in-law, who was passing through Midtown, and then I walked around and window-shopped (successfully getting all the fun of trying on clothes without actually succumbing to buying anything). And I got a library card, which means many more new books and DVDs in my immediate future.

And don't forget we have our housewarming this Sunday night!

And now I think it's really bedtime.

Wow. I just lived through one of the longest, emotionally hardest nights alone that I have had in at least a year. But amazingly, I feel better today. Cleaner.

It seems that one of the things I need right now is some extra validation. You all are my community and, as such, one of my great richnesses. So I turn to you to help me hold the mirror up:

If you please, tell me something about me that you love. Not respect or admire; I'm feeling a little too over-thought these days as it is. What do you see in me? What strikes you as quintessentially me that makes you smile?

Comment anonymously if you want (lurkers can sign their comments or not). You can email me separately if you'd really rather, but I would find it more fun to keep everything here. Deep comments are appreciated, but frivolous ones are enjoyable too.

And, in asking for this, I am not sure how to handle responding to comments; I rather think I would like to *refrain* from responding to them, or otherwise I will feel obligated to come up with something similarly insightful to offer in response to each of you, which is also a valuable exercise but more taxing than I can commit to right now. :-} So, please know that I will value anything you share with me, and that if you could use some similar validation, I will do my best to return it later.

repeats to self: Growth. Love. Connection.

I have (no surprise) been thinking a lot lately about my medium-term goals in life, and had the insight that many of them (buying a house; traveling) are limited, at this point, more by finances than by waiting for a partner I can successfully do them with. ( associated ruminations )

So, between that realization and the fact that the moving (and resettling) process has been wildly expensive, I've started myself back on the discipline of tracking every single penny I spend, so as to better manage my finances on a daily, monthly, and ultimately yearly level. I did this for years on paper (I still have several volumes of "budget books" dating back to my old Prospect St. apartment), but for this round I've built a Google spreadsheet which keeps running totals per category and all that. It's already fairly enlightening.

I expect to spend a couple months just tracking my normal or baseline spending habits (modulo the observer effect in which the very act of writing things down makes you evaluate your choices more consciously, as with a food diary), and then figure out where the biggest changes should be made. -- Yeah, I know, things like "cook dinner at home more" and "bring leftovers for lunch" are no-brainers, but it's a lot more motivating to actually see the bottom line!