The Five-Minute Sorcerer

[chanaleh]

Okay, so after almost 5 years of stalling... in anticipation of tomorrow's singthru, and at the prodding of mrmorse... here it is! Based, of course, on the G&S work. Likely not of interest to the uninitiated -- or else could be considered spoilerish, depending on your perspective.


Act I.

CHORUS: [Runs on] Yay! Aline and Alexis are getting engaged! [Runs off]


MRS. P: Constance, what's with the teenage goth-girl act?

CONSTANCE: *staples hand to forehead* I'm in love with the vicar.

MRS. P: Great! I'll set you up!

CONSTANCE: Mo-THER!

DR. D: [Enters.] I used to be teh sexxy. Alas, now here I am, pushing thirty. But tush, I am puling.

MRS. P: Dr. Daly, don't you think it's about time you got married? You're pushing thirty, you know. [Shoves Constance at him]

DR. D: No, no. Totally beyond all that now.

CONSTANCE: Waaaaah! [Exit, pursued by Mrs. P.]

DR. D: Poor little girl. I'm afraid she has something on her mind. I wonder what it could possibly be.


ALEXIS: O, lucid lake of liquid love!

SIR M: Alexis, get a grip. Fifty years ago, Aline's mother and I were madly in love, but did we make a big deal about it? No! We kept it to ourselves! Until finally we went off and married other people --

ALEXIS: Which is good, because otherwise Aline would be... my sister?!

SIR M: The point is, we were repressed and we LIKED it that way! That's the way things are here in Ploverleigh! Now suck it up!


WOMEN: Yay! Here comes Aline!

ALINE: Thank you all so very much for admiring me. By the way, I'm a soprano, see? La la la!

LADY S: Well, I'm glad SOMEONE is happy... *staples hand to forehead*


MEN: Yay! Here comes Alexis!

ALEXIS: Aline!
ALINE: Alexis! [They run together]

LADY S: Marmaduke!
SIR M: Annabella! [They flee each other]

NOTARY: Here's the ketubah contract. Sign here.

ALEXIS: Yo.

ALINE: Check.

CHORUS: Yay! Let's leave them alone!


ALEXIS: Because I know what's good for everyone else, I'm going to administer psychoactive drugs to the entire village without their permission. By the way, I'm a tenor, see? La la la!

WELLS: Good day, sir.

ALEXIS: I believe you are a Sorcerer?

WELLS: Yes, sir. Very acute of you to read the promotional posters, sir. By the way, I'm also a patter baritone. Check me out! Blahbity-blahbity-blah, blahbity-blahbity-blah, blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blahbity-blah!

HERCULES: *frolics*

ALEXIS: So about this love potion.

WELLS: Yeah, so: take it, fall asleep for twelve hours, and when you wake up, you fall in love with the Very Next Person You See.

ALEXIS: Um...

WELLS: That is, of the opposite gender. With Hilarious Consequences!

ALINE: Um...

WELLS: That is, unless you are already married to someone else, in which case it has no effect whatsoever.

ALINE: How convenient.

ALEXIS: Bring it on!


STAGELIGHTS: *dim ominously*

WELLS: *incants ominously*

DEMONS: *howl ominously*

POTION: *bubbles ominously*

ALEXIS: Aww yeah!

ALINE: Meep!

CHORUS: [Enters.] Yay! A picnic! How jolly!


SIR M: Tasty treats!

ALEXIS: Yeah, uh, get your nice hot non-magical tea here, step right up.

CHORUS: Yay!

ALEXIS: Heh heh heh heh heh.

CHORUS: Waaaait a min... *fall over*

ALINE: Oh shit.



Act II.

BELLS: *strike midnight*

ALEXIS: Yep, love's about to conquer them all, like it or not. -- Hey, how come my dad's not here?

ALINE: And my mom?

WELLS: You didn't want THEM exposed to this business, did you? I sent them home.

ALEXIS: Oh thank goodness.

WELLS: Not before they'd drunk the tea, of course.

ALEXIS: -- Ooh, ooh, here we go!

MEN: *sproiiiing*

WOMEN: *boiiiing*

ALEXIS: Heh heh heh heh heh.

ALINE: Yeah, like THIS isn't going to end in tears.


CONSTANCE: Forget Dr. Daly, I've found someone even older and mankier! Tra-la!

ALINE: How... nice for you.

NOTARY: I don't get it either, but I'm sure not asking questions.


ALINE: You can't possibly still think this is a good idea.

ALEXIS: Yuh-huh! And for an encore, I think WE should take it too, just to make very very sure you Never Leave Me.

ALINE: Uh...

ALEXIS: If you Really Loved Me you'd do it.

ALINE: You have got to be kidding me.

ALEXIS: Don't be disrespecting me, bitch. I'm the tenor.


DR. D: Babes everywhere! Why did I never notice all the hotness in this village? Too bad all of them are suddenly engaged. -- Hey, including your dad, Alexis.

ALEXIS: Rock on!

SIR M: [Enters with Mrs. Partlet.] Ah, so in love!

MRS. P: Coo!

ALEXIS: *facepalm*

ALINE: Suddenly that Commie love-levels-all-ranks bullshit strikes a little too close to home, eh, Dr. Leary?


WELLS: I am a bad, bad man.

LADY S: [Enters.] Yuh-huh. C'mere, bad boy.

WELLS: Bwaaa! I, uh, hear my imaginary girlfriend calling. *flees*

LADY S: Great. I'll just be over here, killing myself.


AHRIMANES: 'Sup?

DEMONS: *frolic*

WELLS: Uh, I quit.

AHRIMANES: Shyeah. Remember the fine print? Penalty for breaking the contract is... ALEXIS'S LIFE! -- Or, y'know, yours.

WELLS: Gee, tough choice.


ALINE: Okay, Alexis, here I am Taking The Potion, Just As You Asked. [Swoons.]

DR. D. [Enters.] Was that my cue? [Loudly.] Uh, too bad Every Babe In This Village Is Taken.

ALINE: *sproiiiing*

DR. D: *boiiiing*

ALINE: I mean, technically I WAS taken, too, but hey.

ALEXIS: [Enters.] Was that my cue? ... OH NOES!!!1! Nobody saw THIS coming!

ALINE: Karma's a bitch, huh?

ALEXIS: Grr! Arrgh!


CHORUS: ... Huh?

DR. D: You totally asked for this. But fine, have it your way.

ALEXIS: Yeah, thanks. So, uh, now that I've fucked everything up?

WELLS: We can fix it, but... one of us has to die. -- I pick you.

ALEXIS: Sounds fair, since this whole brilliant scheme was MY IDEA.

ALINE: Nooo!

CHORUS: Nooo! We love you, Alexis! We hate you, scary wizard man!

WELLS: Yeah, I figured as much.

AHRIMANES: Yuh-huh. C'mere, bad boy.


ALEXIS: Yay!

LADY S: Yay!

ALINE: Well, at least we've... taught this entire, repressed village a valuable lesson about opening their hearts to the full experience of passion and human emotion?

SIR M: Yeah, right. We're British. Tea, anyone?

CHORUS: Tasty treats! Yay!


FIN