Boxing Day thoughts on family gift-giving, and my lameness therewith

[chanaleh]

Every year around Thanksgiving, I say to myself, "This year is going to be different." This year, I did my first gift shopping the first weekend of December and I thought, "Hey, I'm on track, look at me, I could actually have some gifts shipped out early this year."

Yet at 4:30pm on December 24, there I was, still wrapping family gifts. Which then still needed to be shipped cross-country. Which meant zooming to the Central Sq. post office five minutes before they closed, at 5pm on Christmas Eve.

Sigh.

I mean, I did mail off a first batch the morning of the 23rd, including all the California contingent (um, except my brother). Three business days from 12/23 = Monday, 12/28. Lame. But all the Midwesterners getting mailed on 12/24: just as bad. To say nothing of sending stuff to my niece at her grandparents' in Ireland, where I'd have been lucky to get it there before she leaves again at New Year's... so I eventually decided I would just mail it to her directly after all, hopefully maybe to receive sometime before the 12 Days of Christmas run out altogether. So I still, um, have to do that. On Monday.

Sigh.

I wrote a blanket apology for this phenomenon two years ago, most of which is still generally applicable. It occurred to me this year to wonder, though: what *is* it that causes me to drag my heels around all this?

I mean, there are a handful of contributing factors. There's the Blithe Minimizing: "Oh, I don't really do all that much gift shopping, so I don't really need to block it into my schedule, and certainly not in the *first* week of December..." (This is the same problem I have every year with Pesach cleaning, incidentally.) There's the False Economy of Time: "Oh, I really only want to make ONE trip to the post office, so I shouldn't bother to mail ANYTHING until I have EVERYTHING."

But the major insight I had, pondering this question on one 15-minute walk last week, was this: I actually feel some insecurity about the gifts I send my family members.

I tend to give Chrismukkah gifts to about 16-20 people in a given year; a handful of those are close and/or local friends, but the rest are family members (my parents, stepparents, brother and his family, three aunts and two cousins -- only the ones on my mom's side, somehow, maybe because they're the ones we always had holidays with growing up? This reminds me that I should really at least send New Year's cards to my other aunt and uncle and my ailing grandfather... and a couple other faraway friends... Anyway), all of which -- assuming I'm not traveling anywhere to be with any of them, which I haven't in recent years -- have to be mailed. And obviously I try to get people stuff that I'm at least moderately excited about. But they're pretty modest gifts, typically: on the order of a book or CD for most people. And then somewhere between the buying and the wrapping, my head drifts away into this space of "Are they going to enjoy this? Be pleased by it? Or is this going to magically transmute in the mail into one of those stupid perfunctory gifts-from-well-meaning-relatives-who-have-no-idea-what-you-actually-want?"

I mean, I SO rarely ever get any feedback beyond "Oh hey, got your gift, thanks for thinking of me" (often I don't even get that... but since another of my own personal failings is being abysmal about properly acknowledging/thanking for gifts, I have no right to complain; I'm merely bearing witness to the logistical troubles it creates on the giver's side)... it's hard to know from one year to the next what distinguishes a GOOD gift from a lame one. And really, I'm far enough away from everyone -- both geographically and, let's face it, emotionally -- that it's hard to trust my intuitions. But, seriously, why does that translate into this weird sort of I'm-not-doing-enough internal guilt trip? Are they going to call me up and take me to task somehow? THX BTW WTF YOU NEVER CALL YOU NEVER WRITE??

So, in short, something about this emotional dynamic just makes me procrastinate the whole wrapping-and-shipping affair (which ought to be one fairly pleasant evening's work, once the buying is done) until the last possible minute... and then I'm running to the post office on yet another Dec. 23 and 24.

Well, at least my mom called me this afternoon to say that they got my package today (in California! w00t!) and were really pleased and touched. (Also yesterday, when I called my dad, he reiterated how much he absolutely LOVED the book I sent him last month for his birthday, which he is still finishing reading... so I felt happy to have done well by him on that one. It's always nice to actually hit one out of the park.) So... happy Boxing Day!

I'm supposed to be at a party right now, but... I woke up with a sore throat this morning, and though it wore off by midmorning, it's generally the sign of an incipient cold. Which I don't want to (a) share around nor (b) make worse, on top of being generally run-down from the preceding week's medical adventures. Despite the 2-hour nap I took this afternoon, I'm still tired enough that by 7:30 I was actually in tears at the idea of mustering the koach to go out and spend even an hour at the party. :-} It's rare enough for me to run out of energy, particularly social energy, that I really have to listen when I do. So, I'm sending regrets with ablock to the hostess and host, and likewise to the rest of you I would have liked to see there.

Comments

[scholargipsy.livejournal.com]

So where's my present?

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

I got your present right here, baby, you just ain't been here to unwrap it. ;-) OH SNAP!

[lillibet.livejournal.com]

Are you getting presents from all these people? Gift-giving doesn't need to be reciprocal IF it's in the style of "I saw this and really thought of you." But it sounds like you're obligating yourself to a degree that's unwarranted. Remind yourself that you want to do this and if you don't, then don't do it.

Don't forget to get some merry in all this!

[besamim.livejournal.com]

I'm glad your mom's still (a) speaking to you and (b) doing so in a civil manner.

Also, take care of yourself and I hope you get your energy back. :-)

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's not as if you have any other obligations in your life... [cough]

Hope you're feeling better!

[cheesyhill.livejournal.com]

Clearly I need to get myself on your Chrismukkah list ;)

[c1.livejournal.com]

I felt a bit of guilt because of the gifts I sent out this year. This has been, by an overwhelming margin, a more modest gift giving than any since I was a kid.

But the emails and phone calls I've been getting from people indicates I must have struck a chord. Yes, it's modest. No, people didn't seem to notice-- they're just happy I thought of them, which is everything I've wanted for xmas.

[happyfunpaul.livejournal.com]

Sorry not to see you at the party. Feel better soon. *hugs*

I'm lucky re holiday giftgiving-- I neither give nor receive many gifts (the only out-of-towners are my sister's family), and once that's already the established pattern, it's pretty easy to just continue it. I take the balance of what-I-would-have-spent each year and give it to charity.

[jehanna.livejournal.com]

My parents get gift certificates to places I know they love. They seem really happy with it, and I don't have to guess something on the order of "Which book about weaving doesn't my mom own yet?" :)

[chenoameg.livejournal.com]

A possible logistical help in the future-- you can pay for priority mail online, and then the post office will pick up the packages from your doorstep. (You have to schedule it)

So you can ship things when you have them, without making trips to the post office!

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Aw, you wouldn't take up that kind of offer any more than scholargipsy would. ;-)

[chuckro.livejournal.com]

My family, for whatever reason, has always been all about the super-early gift-buying. Now, granted, I only get gifts for four people: My parents, my sister, and Jethrien (and our local friends get homemade cookies); but if I'm still buying gifts in November, I feel like a horrible layabout. My sister is typically done with her Christmas shopping in August.

I suspect the face you made when you read that was similar to the one Jethrien made the first time I told her about it.

[musicjill.livejournal.com]

the gift giving in my family has now moved to birthdays only...and we've talked that exchanging $25 amazon gift certificates is kinda silly.

so, we try to call each other on our birthdays, send cards, and/or took the homemade/handmade/charity pledge- I try to make my family members things, or buy things that are handmade, and most often only for little ones without jobs.

but every family does it differently.

it seems like your ambivalence/procrastination about gift giving might be telling you something....

[awfief.livejournal.com]

If you even wonder if your gifts are good, it seems like you don't know those people very well. I have only one such person on my "list" - Tony's brother's wife. And indeed, I notice that Tony's parents and brother get me fewer things, but they're all things I like.

In my family, we have 8 little ones (my 3 siblings are married and have 8 between 'em) so we went from "nah, we don't really need presents as adults" to "get the kids presents!" to "each family gives each other family presents" to "each family buys their kids 1 present each, and says it's from the rest of the family."

(this progression has been as there are more and more kids to give presents)

I like thoughtful things, and things people make, that may be practical. This year I knit a lot of dishcloths, and made some felted soaps, and to the people that I usually send something about $10-20, I just sent them stuff I made. (I also made Tony's mom a beautiful scarf, and knitted & felted a very large purse for Tony's aunt, which she LOVED, because she loves purses).

But I didn't give a dishcloth to anyone that didn't have use for a kitchen towel thing. Luckily, most people have uses for them. And I coordinated colors and stuff.

So...yeah. Honestly, I think you could probably call people up in a few weeks/months (after February at least) and say hi, and bring the topic around to Christmas. Especially if their gifts are somewhat lame, you can just say "I don't want you to feel obligated, and the economy is bad, etc...". If it comes to people wanting presents, ask if there's a good way to get a wish list or something, so that your gifts aren't all off the mark.