Back to Indiana tonight
Friday, October 18th, 2013 08:18 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chanaleh
"We never know what things are of overmastering importance until they have overmastered us." -- Dorothy L. Sayers, Gaudy Night
It's been one month.
Almost exactly a month, since my Sukkot visit to Indiana... or, as![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
etrace likes to call it now, Reunification Weekend.
I can't really describe how completely the doors have been blown off my mind.
For the last few months, ever since the initial breakup talk withjustom in May, I have had the strong feeling that this was going to be a transition year for me. That something was coming around the corner, something totally unexpected that would transform my life. I told people, I'm not quite done with NYC yet, but I have no way to know whether I'll still be here in a year. Maybe something will happen to cement me here... and maybe something will happen to draw me away.
And when I would walk around the city, doing all the things and going all the places I normally go... I was conscious of a kind of restlessness, a constant scanning of the horizon. Looking for that chance connection. Working to stay open, to stay alert. Waiting.
And then on September 19 I went home, and the corner it came around was totally the opposite direction from anywhere I had been looking. By the end of the weekend, it was clear that something transformative was indeed happening. Had already happened. The rest of it was just catching up.
And once I got back to NYC, within a few days I discovered that, suddenly, just like that, I had stopped searching the horizon.
In the ensuing 4 weeks, we've logged probably 2.5 hours a day *average* on the phone, no exaggeration. That's 75 hours.
Which is just about how much time we're going to get together, unbroken, starting when I get there this afternoon. :-)
This was supposed to be the post where I try to convey exactly what is so magical to me about this man, this brilliant talented loving open kind loyal upstanding generous silly considerate soft-voiced anxiety-prone animal-loving intuitive beautiful man. ... And the margins of this entry are too narrow to convey it. :-} I'm late for work, per usual, and I absolutely have to leave by noon today to catch my flight to Chicago. So it will have to wait until I get back. (And I've been storing things up, all the thousand things large and small he has said and done that have me going YES YES YES THIS.)
But as I wrote tobluepapercup a week ago: "... oh god everything. And it's so RIGHT, all of it. It's like he has been this substrate of my heart for the last 19 years, that I spent all this time covering over, and now that it's been dug out again, it's just *there*. It's fucking cosmic, I can't even construct the metaphor in my head just yet, but something to do with timelines and reverberations and past and future all overlapping in the glorious now."
So I'll leave you instead with my birthday present. One of them.
It's been one month.
Almost exactly a month, since my Sukkot visit to Indiana... or, as
etrace likes to call it now, Reunification Weekend.I can't really describe how completely the doors have been blown off my mind.
For the last few months, ever since the initial breakup talk with
justom in May, I have had the strong feeling that this was going to be a transition year for me. That something was coming around the corner, something totally unexpected that would transform my life. I told people, I'm not quite done with NYC yet, but I have no way to know whether I'll still be here in a year. Maybe something will happen to cement me here... and maybe something will happen to draw me away.And when I would walk around the city, doing all the things and going all the places I normally go... I was conscious of a kind of restlessness, a constant scanning of the horizon. Looking for that chance connection. Working to stay open, to stay alert. Waiting.
And then on September 19 I went home, and the corner it came around was totally the opposite direction from anywhere I had been looking. By the end of the weekend, it was clear that something transformative was indeed happening. Had already happened. The rest of it was just catching up.
And once I got back to NYC, within a few days I discovered that, suddenly, just like that, I had stopped searching the horizon.
In the ensuing 4 weeks, we've logged probably 2.5 hours a day *average* on the phone, no exaggeration. That's 75 hours.
Which is just about how much time we're going to get together, unbroken, starting when I get there this afternoon. :-)
This was supposed to be the post where I try to convey exactly what is so magical to me about this man, this brilliant talented loving open kind loyal upstanding generous silly considerate soft-voiced anxiety-prone animal-loving intuitive beautiful man. ... And the margins of this entry are too narrow to convey it. :-} I'm late for work, per usual, and I absolutely have to leave by noon today to catch my flight to Chicago. So it will have to wait until I get back. (And I've been storing things up, all the thousand things large and small he has said and done that have me going YES YES YES THIS.)
But as I wrote to
bluepapercup a week ago: "... oh god everything. And it's so RIGHT, all of it. It's like he has been this substrate of my heart for the last 19 years, that I spent all this time covering over, and now that it's been dug out again, it's just *there*. It's fucking cosmic, I can't even construct the metaphor in my head just yet, but something to do with timelines and reverberations and past and future all overlapping in the glorious now."So I'll leave you instead with my birthday present. One of them.