Tired in my soul?

[chanaleh]

tafkar was writing yesterday about information overload and chronic overextendedness. I've been contemplating this feeling in my own life for some months now, with ever-increasing urgency... or at least consciousness that this cannot go on indefinitely. When your baseline state is "burnt", you are not in a sustainable position.

I took Matthew out for birthday dinner on Sunday (to the Outback Steakhouse; although neither of us had steak, everything was still quite tasty), and we had some good talk, and one of the things we talked about was how both of us these days feel "tired in our souls." (His phrase, which certainly hit home for me.)

In principle, I'm somewhat interested in doing Ruddigore with MITG&SP this fall, but thinking about stepping into that kind of major time-sink again is making me cringe. I feel strapped for time now! And I didn't even do Carmen this summer! [Though I intend to go see it Thursday night 7/31, if anyone wants to accompany me.]

Everything I do is stuff that matters to me... but nevertheless there's so *much* of it. [And while I'm thinking about streamlining, there's so much stuff *around* me. I need to clean out my closet (as jessruth and saxikath have been discussing) and seriously cut back to like half of what I have in there, because the 80/20 rule is definitely in effect (I get 80% of the wear from 20% of the clothes I have). Ditto for the five million little bottles and jars in my bathroom. I need to clean off my desk and clean out my bookshelves (I should trundle a load down to NYC and let Jess eBay them for me, or maybe it's half.com them?). I need to offload those 24 hand-labeled VHS tapes of X-Files episodes I recorded so religiously -- since my reception was so bad the tapes are practically unwatchable anyway. I need to go through the couple of boxes my dad shipped me from the house where I grew up, when they sold it in 1995, and figure out what I need to keep and what I can safely say goodbye to.]

I used to say I'd rather leave town than be drafted into the presidency of my synagogue. This was, historically, a drastic comparison for me to make. However, nowadays I'm starting to feel like (a) the only way I'm ever honestly going to cut back on my responsibility there IS to leave town -- to move outside the radius where I can be expected to remain involved -- and (b) leaving town starts to sound Pretty Damn Restful. I have visions of moving up to Rockport and taking on that 2.5-hour roundtrip train commute of empty space in my day: turning it to reading time or, as long as I'm fantasizing, laptop time in which I will finally start writing fiction the way I keep talking about. Dropping off the radar so that my default is not to pack my schedule with things to do and people to see (two weeks in advance!). I dream of "early to bed and early to rise" -- this is one of the things I enjoy about visiting Mom in California, actually -- instead of having so much going on that I can't wind down until after midnight.

I dream of hearing wind and waves outside my window instead of ambient traffic noise and sirens. I dream of gardens and porches and morning coffee, of course. I have wistful fantasies of enough uncluttered space, never mind time, in my own home to spread out a yoga mat (no, I've never done yoga, yes, I hear it's great for calming mind and body in ways I obviously need, but here the only thing I can think of is "If I had the time and space to take that up I wouldn't be so stressed to begin with!" A fallacy, I know, but still. When I signed up for an evening stretching class at MIT last year, I ended up skipping half the sessions because I so often needed to cram other things into that ONE HOUR per week. Anyway).

All this being said -- When it comes down to it, of course, I'm hesitant to go anywhere truly far off the radar, because being isolated *is* at the same time one of my big fears. Which I think is why I feel like, before I can make any major life changes, I'm holding out for someone in whose company to make them. If I have a partner in this endeavor, I'll never be more alone than I want to be.

Which, like it or not, I suspect is one of the things that draws me to C. The feeling that there might be a way of life to move *to*, and not merely *from*.

Plus -- I'm not sure how to phrase this the way I perceive it, but -- If I could figure out the person I wanted around me most, and have him right at home with me in the center of my life, I might not *have* to be running around as much. A certain center of gravity. That, too, sounds pretty damn restful. If only.

Comments

Closet cleaning...

[zenala.livejournal.com]

Dang it, I need to do that, too! Half my bedroom is filled with clothes, and yet this week I've been wearing just a few things which could easily fit into a backpack...

Oh, and I'll see you at Carmen! :-)

Re: Closet cleaning...

[chanaleh.livejournal.com]

Yep! Considering how happily I can pack for a week in a carry-on bag, it mystifies me why I seem to need to hang onto so much just-in-case stuff back at home. Editing down. That's the ticket.

See you then!

Re: Closet cleaning...

[zenala.livejournal.com]

Also, the fact that I just went for 6 weeks with a backpack and a suitcase with all I needed for highly variable weather, and, well, all I really need in addition is some winter clothes and one or two formal things.

Granted, there's the problem of the vast number of t-shirts that I own from various groups and activities that I actually care about... (Rowing in particular is very conducive to exploding closets...)

I can help

[(Anonymous)]

If you want stuff to go out on half.com I sell regularly there including consignment for friends. Let me know.

--Alan

[magid.livejournal.com]

A couple of different friends of mine were feeling socially over-booked, and decided to schedule a week (or month) of vacation from being social with people. They each announced it in advance, made whatever exceptions they were going to make (or not), and took the time to be alone, figuring out what level of sociability would work for them best.