road tripping
Thursday, August 15th, 2002 02:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
chanaleh
Jonathan leaves today for South Carolina, for a week. I knew he was going to go (pilgrimage home to visit family and lick his wounds of being recently laid off) -- but turns out he's driving down, so he could pick up and go on less than 24 hours' notice.
I expected I'd be happy when he went out of town, that I'd feel liberated. We have been so carefully not In A Relationship, and yet the last week or so in particular has had an intense quality of wanting to spend at least some time together every day. I thought that with him away I'd be pleased to have my life back to myself -- the very thing I was supposed to have achieved in the last six-plus months of "relationship hiatus," after all, and have overall thoroughly failed at.
Needless to say, it's not so simple, or I'm not so strong, as all that. :-}
And even now what I feel is not so much a pain of missing him (though of course I will), but a sort of adriftness. How do I function without a lover to anchor the deep structure of my days?
... Might this be the very question I have spent my adult life running so far away from?
***
This aside, I'm a bit jealous of being able to hop in the car and hit the open road for a week. (Not that I'd wish to be laid off, of course, and I suppose it has to have its privileges. :-) The two of us, in particular, would have such a ball together on a 1900-mile road trip. Sometimes I think that's one of my hidden criteria for marriage: that I can only marry someone I'd be excited to make a cross-country road trip with.
I expected I'd be happy when he went out of town, that I'd feel liberated. We have been so carefully not In A Relationship, and yet the last week or so in particular has had an intense quality of wanting to spend at least some time together every day. I thought that with him away I'd be pleased to have my life back to myself -- the very thing I was supposed to have achieved in the last six-plus months of "relationship hiatus," after all, and have overall thoroughly failed at.
Needless to say, it's not so simple, or I'm not so strong, as all that. :-}
And even now what I feel is not so much a pain of missing him (though of course I will), but a sort of adriftness. How do I function without a lover to anchor the deep structure of my days?
... Might this be the very question I have spent my adult life running so far away from?
***
This aside, I'm a bit jealous of being able to hop in the car and hit the open road for a week. (Not that I'd wish to be laid off, of course, and I suppose it has to have its privileges. :-) The two of us, in particular, would have such a ball together on a 1900-mile road trip. Sometimes I think that's one of my hidden criteria for marriage: that I can only marry someone I'd be excited to make a cross-country road trip with.
no subject
Date: Sunday, August 18th, 2002 02:36 pm (UTC)I spent all of last week on the open road with a great road trip companion. Wow, I wanna do that again!