relationship angst

[chanaleh]

Sometimes I wish Jonathan had not [back in May-to-June] entered my life while Matthew was still in it. (Not that Matthew will ever really cease to be a part of my life, but.)

Other times I suppose I should be glad of what I have, regardless. But it does complicate my thinking about each of them. In fact, it makes me feel kinda guilty to try to enjoy having Jonathan in my life -- much less try to figure out where that should be going -- while I'm still sorting out my feelings about my relationship with Matthew. Of course it's true that overlapping romances are the rule rather than the exception for me -- but that actually makes me feel worse about this.

With Jonathan away this week, I hope to make some time to think about my life and what the hell needs to happen in it. It's been crossing my mind lately that perhaps what I should do, in order to achieve clarity, is take an actual vow of celibacy for a period of time. (Which, again, is sort of what I told myself I'd be doing in this "relationship hiatus" period, and totally failed at.) But maybe this week will provide a small step in that direction. (...Um, except for seeing Brian Saturday night.)

Meanwhile, Matthew has indicated that he's tentatively willing to continue discussions over e-mail -- if I have anything further to add to the discussion. What would I add, given this chance?

Comments

[chaiya.livejournal.com]

I've often thought that you and I had similar problems re overlapping relationships. I took a haitus from relationships in the beginning of this year, and although I now have a new person in my life again (since March), I really think it was a smart thing to do. I think the time by myself helped me to see myself as "what I'm like when I'm not trying to be with someone." :)

[hammercock.livejournal.com]

It's funny how these things don't always work out the way you originally intended. A couple of months ago I decided I was ready to try dating new people again, and I told myself that I'd just be having fun and not looking for anything serious. And then I went and fell for someone anyway. D'oh. :-}

Don't feel guilty for enjoying what you have with Jonathan. He's a great guy. But do take time to yourself if you think you need it.