I Am Large, I Contain Multitudes

So the "first annual" shul retreat was this past weekend. It really was fun; it's nice to spend time hanging out with people -- some of whom have been acquaintances for years, some only months -- in a way that is at once more intense and more relaxed than the usual once-a-week appearance. (And of my shul [idle-]crush objects, two were present; two others notably absent, but oh well. No, nothing untoward went on, nor could it have; but it still lends a pleasurable extra dimension to the socializing.) Did lots of davening and even a little yoga. Played lots of board games (Scrabble, Encore, TP). Consumed way too much hot chocolate, schnapps, and pareve cake :-P (so I'm tempted to pull some kind of juice fast, or at least some exercise in dietary mindfulness, until the majority of the junk is washed out of my system).

Thought a lot about the previous two occasions I've set foot in Camp Ramah (once at this same site in September 1996, once elsewhere in July 2002)... and how far I've traveled since then and yet, in some ways, not. Big-picture stuff.

Anyway, and it was lovely to spend some time out in the woods. Despite (melting) snow all over the ground, it was quite balmy and sunny all weekend, and it was nice to get to walk around the lake and under the pines with only a light jacket on. Spring is coming.

Got home in time to attend part of the mitgsp Feb. 29th birthday party (the anniversary of its founding, such that, if you go by birthdays, they were turning four, and not a bit over). Missed out on any singing because I had to leave for 7pm Menschen rehearsal, but I did get to pick up my Utopia CD (with my opening solo on it that I still haven't had the guts to listen to). Also, mrmorse actually came over and chatted with me, which made my night, really.

Coming up close
everything sounds like welcome home
come home
and oh, by the way
don't you know that I could make
a dream that's barely half the way come true
I wanted to say --
but anything I could have said
I felt somehow that you already knew.

Today, back to work. Tonight, dinner at Rudy's 'cause ablock is back from Europe. Tomorrow night, Klezmer Contra!

I'm posting this from the Student Center, having escaped briefly from cue-to-cue for Ruddigore (being as they haven't yet in fact been able to start the run that was supposed to start at 7:30).

Matthew is of course here.
I am sad. Sad enough that I don't know how to act.
And then I think I sort of snapped at him (or near him?) by mistake, although I'm not sure.
This sucks more than I expected.

A few minutes ago I found his stuff sitting on the side of the auditorium, including a flannel shirt (which I think is even one I gave him), so I picked it up and held it for a while, because it smells like him and I am a big dork.

That is all.

Finally talked to Dad last night (after he'd been trying to reach me for several days. He's not recuperating all that well from the hip surgery, so NOW they've started him on physical therapy. I hope it helps).

He asked what was new and what I've been up to, and I told him about breaking up with mattrolls (that is, mrmorse). At which I started to choke up a little bit. So then he hurriedly asked if I was "doing any plays or anything"... to which I answered that I had decided not to try out this fall because I thought it would be better because... and then I really started to choke up.

I think it kinda startled him; he hates to hear me cry. Hell, it startled me. I knew I'd been feeling some sadness earlier in the day (and this week in general), but I didn't expect it to come on like that.

In all fairness, that's not the only reason I decided not to do Ruddigore; I'm not even sure it's the principal reason. But the associations are powerful.

Had a really lovely, comfy time at awfief's Romanesque party last night. (Even though the evening got off to a rocky start when I annoyed ablock by, er, keeping him waiting before we could head over.) Walked into the party and who should be there but mrieser and others of the WNDN gang! I was so happy to see them; it's been far too long. Got to hang with sunspiral and Wex a bit. Enjoyed a little English-lit geeking with the always-charming scholargipsy and pheromone. Met woodwardiocom, who seemed cool. Drank a pleasing variety of rum drinks. And scored a kiss goodnight from a very cute boy who shall remain nameless... for the nonce.

The only problem was that I was supposed to get home by 1am to meet my friend Steve on my doorstep, and, well, I was late and he was early. Like, half an hour in each direction. :-/ But he didn't panic (or remonstrate with me or anything, dear soul), and it worked out. Wish we'd had more of a visit (he was only here through this morning, rushed off to a wedding and then back to NY immediately thereafter), but overall I was very happy to get to see him. It's one of those things where every time we get together, even when a year (or more) has passed, it's like we were never apart. It's remarkable.

Off shortly with mattrolls to see South Pacific at the Charlestown Navy Yard... with an actual WWII destroyer as the backdrop (like when they did Pinafore on the Constitution = cool!).

Or so it seems.
ablock is getting settled in his new digs.
And mattrolls is taking over leighjen's soon-to-be-vacated room on Cedar St.

After much work this week, his stuff is now officially all out of his old place. This process has occasioned much sentimentality, frustration, and, ultimately, plain old heartache (on both our parts, I guess). We ended up talking until almost 2am after Carmen last night. Whereupon he went back to packing for the rest of the night, so as to be all clear by this morning (which he called to report around 11am). Hopefully by now he is sleeping the sleep of the dead, and well-earned it is too.

Three different strangers smiled at me on the way to work. Am I radiating an aura that says "In need of human reassurance"? If so, I wish I could turn it on more reliably.

The rain today is making everything smell like the ocean. I love the smell, but I wish it didn't have to rain all this weekend. I don't really want to spend another weekend at the movies or the museum; I want to lie on a beach or hike through a forest, and I want the sun to shine on my face, dammit. I want to cook and clean until I feel like my house has something good and nurturing stored up in it. I want to feel alive, I want to feel connected, I want to dress up and go out and drink sangria by candlelight and have a good time and talk about life with someone who is solidly present and actually, truly gives a shit about me.

Fortunately I've talked sunspiral into coming out to have dinner with me after shul tonight. So perhaps I actually will get that last bit. :-)