I Am Large, I Contain Multitudes

I've started waking up at 4am again the last couple days; not (principally) from anxiety, more because I probably need to reinstate "no liquids after 9pm", but it is annoying.

Generally, though, in the past day or so I am starting to feel marginally less stressed. (I had dinner tonight -- er, Wednesday night -- with edashevs and mearah, who took one look at me and said "You look great! More relaxed!" Well, yes, although also no...)

+ major work event came off very successfully on Tues night
+ three weeks of prep time to go until the next major work event
+ budgeting issues (which have previously been causing me to lose sleep) on a different large work project are being properly resolved
+ a few promising candidates have come in already for my job opening
+ did grocery shopping for the first time in a month
+ as previously noted, successfully talked to my mom last Sunday about the NYC move
+ only one more weekend to get through without justom
+ fun/exciting stuff coming up the next three weekends
+ planning to use this Saturday night to go see the Longwood Players' production of The Secret Garden (Saturday's their closing show). Anyone want to join me? Or meet for dinner beforehand?

- summer weekends are evaporating rapidly
+ girls' getaway to Maine with jessruth planned for July 7-10

- still need to write my parting remarks for the tremontstshul board, to be read at the elections meeting in my absence (no one's asked me to do this, but it would be nice)
- Honorable Menschen political bullshit still ongoing, though it's calmed slightly of late
+/- total platonic* crush on newest HM tenor, the yeshiva bochur ( * )
- still need to send my niece, who turned 13 (!) yesterday, a b'day present
- still need to work on getting clothes and household stuff purged (jessruth is coming up for the purpose next weekend, but this Saturday is Give Your Stuff Away Day), not to mention do a month's worth of laundry
- nagging relationship anxieties are always magnified at 4am wakeups
- therapy in 2.5 hours, which makes me wonder if I can't get another hour's nap in before the original alarm actually goes off.

ETA, 5:58am: No, apparently no point. *puts coffee on (decaf) and goes to look at this week's Torah reading instead*

Milestones: This was my tenth Simchat Torah celebration at tremontstshul.
And my first on which it rained.

Nevertheless, it was wonderful (despite the fact that Tiger Dissertation Boy never showed up, again). Someone, I forget who, passed by me at one point and said, "You look so happy!" "Yeah," I said, "that's the point, right??" It's in the name of the festival and everything!

I am sure there were fewer people than normal, but since we were all packed inside, it still felt crowded enough to be joyful. ( LiveJournal roll call )

Also, I corrupted some of the synagogue youth by handing out buttons. ;-) Hey, Valarie, I brought the one you asked for, but you weren't there!

Also, cute people are cute. Especially the ones on whom I've had amicable crushes for timescales on the order of a decade. The scary thing is that this is not a unique identifier, even within last night's post-ST gathering. Welcome to my world.

I am sad not to be back there this morning.

EDIT: On an unrelated note, Firefly viewing 8-11pm tonight chez ablock, for the benefit of those (like me) who STILL don't have a proper grounding. The house is, quote, "trashed" (long story involving ceiling leaks) but there should still be room for a handful of people. I'm hoping to get through 3 episodes but I have no idea which. Send me mail if you want to come and don't know where it is.

So the "first annual" shul retreat was this past weekend. It really was fun; it's nice to spend time hanging out with people -- some of whom have been acquaintances for years, some only months -- in a way that is at once more intense and more relaxed than the usual once-a-week appearance. (And of my shul [idle-]crush objects, two were present; two others notably absent, but oh well. No, nothing untoward went on, nor could it have; but it still lends a pleasurable extra dimension to the socializing.) Did lots of davening and even a little yoga. Played lots of board games (Scrabble, Encore, TP). Consumed way too much hot chocolate, schnapps, and pareve cake :-P (so I'm tempted to pull some kind of juice fast, or at least some exercise in dietary mindfulness, until the majority of the junk is washed out of my system).

Thought a lot about the previous two occasions I've set foot in Camp Ramah (once at this same site in September 1996, once elsewhere in July 2002)... and how far I've traveled since then and yet, in some ways, not. Big-picture stuff.

Anyway, and it was lovely to spend some time out in the woods. Despite (melting) snow all over the ground, it was quite balmy and sunny all weekend, and it was nice to get to walk around the lake and under the pines with only a light jacket on. Spring is coming.

Got home in time to attend part of the mitgsp Feb. 29th birthday party (the anniversary of its founding, such that, if you go by birthdays, they were turning four, and not a bit over). Missed out on any singing because I had to leave for 7pm Menschen rehearsal, but I did get to pick up my Utopia CD (with my opening solo on it that I still haven't had the guts to listen to). Also, mrmorse actually came over and chatted with me, which made my night, really.

Coming up close
everything sounds like welcome home
come home
and oh, by the way
don't you know that I could make
a dream that's barely half the way come true
I wanted to say --
but anything I could have said
I felt somehow that you already knew.

Today, back to work. Tonight, dinner at Rudy's 'cause ablock is back from Europe. Tomorrow night, Klezmer Contra!

Problem with stuff like this is I really, really want finer distinctions. Like full-blown butterflies-in-the-stomach crushes vs. idle little back-of-the-mind, gee-but-he's-cool, wouldn't-mind-getting-me-some-of-that sensations. And past vs. present for either of those. And ex-crushes that resolved themselves in actual dating/relating vs. ex-crushes that faded away in silence over time.

Still, of course, I couldn't resist. ( chanaleh's LJ secret crush stats )

I'm leaving this public because I think there are a lot of people in my life who have watched this pattern play out, who might appreciate my reflections on it.

( Here's how it works: )